Love, Death And Rebirth – A Return To Magick
Something has happened to me. Parts of me that have been dull embers for years are flaring back to life, and passions forgotten years ago are surfacing again. A new life seems to be slowly creeping through my veins like the sap returning to a tree that has lain dormant over the winter.
Perhaps it is the change of seasons, for the approaching solstice always carries with it new purpose and new life, but still I feel that it is something more than an annual renewal. Perhaps the changes in my work life have freed me from chains I have worn for years, but still there is something more than that, something new and unexpected. Perhaps my romance with Kirsten has triggered the growth of some seed buried deep within me, in some part of me I never knew before. Still, there is something more…
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Since the autumn, unusual events have been transpiring in my life with a slowly increasing frequency. Moments of startling luck, synchronicities, and convenient accident have become more and more common. I have been more inspired and focused in the last few weeks than I have been in almost a decade, and I feel a fire in my belly and the energy to do almost anything. I seem to be living a charmed life at the moment, yet I find it almost eerie. It seems at some moments that I am not entirely myself. At points it seems as if I am almost directed, or gently nudged into new directions, but always toward something positive. The presence is familiar to me as my goddess, but it has never been so <
The changes started near samhain during a period when the stress of endless 16 hour days and sleepless nights had brought me physically to a place where I was incapable of working any more. It was as if I went through the ritual death of samhain in a very physically real way in my own day to day life. I stopped working that day, and spent the next week thinking carefully about life. I made myself stop doing the things I had been, and started to spend more time working on making myself happy.
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After just a few days things started to happen by themselves, and I noticed that I myself had stared to change into someone that I liked a whole lot more.
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Then I met Kirsten on the eve of samhain (lunar). It was one of those weird “being directed” kind of things. I was at home on a Tuesday, and had spent the last few hours working on a remix while drinking a bottle of wine. I was exhausted, so I stared to get ready for bed. Half an hour later I found myself walking into Luvaffair. I can’t explain why exactly, but I knew I was supposed to be there. It was the last night of my vacation, I had to be up at 6:00 am the next day and I very rarely go out to LAF on Tuesday, so this was doubly unusual. All I can say is that something inside me very clearly told me that I had to be there, and that I could no more resist this internal command than a falling stone can resist the force of gravity. The feeling was so <
I walked in, grabbed a beer, and turned to go find a seat in the corner where us black clothed type folk usually hang out. As I turned, I stopped and almost dropped my beer. Kirsten was standing across the room looking at me, and it was all I could do to not fall over. I was instantly disoriented and enthralled at the same time. I had a moment of vertigo mixed with the most powerful feeling of familiarity and power. In that moment that I looked at her, that same feeling that I had at home telling me to go out, told me that she was the reason that I was there. There was no place in my heart for argument or second guessing myself. Without so much as a command from my brain to my legs, 10 minutes later I found myself leaving with her (after knocking her date out of the way without even realizing it until later – ooops).
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We have been together almost every day since then, and that feeling has only grown stronger. She has turned out to be everything that I have ever dreamed of. Both of us have been really shocked by how well we fit together and how quickly we fell in love. It will be with the greatest sadness that I see her off to Montreal later this month. Just having her around has had the strangest effect on me though. My ability to work has increased tenfold, and at the same time, I have had boundless energy for other projects. I have picked up my paintbrushes again, written the best music I ever have, and have found more interesting and better paying work than I ever have before. It is like just by looking at me, she can make amazing things happen for me. One small smile from her and the world seems to turn on its edge and the most unlikely strokes of luck occur.
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It is like my goddess became aware of my pain and exhaustion and then on samhain, she stepped in to carry me thorough the hard time. This time though, she also borrowed a body and decided to show up in person.
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I have to smile. Since Kirsten started dating me, she has unconsciously (or maybe not
The accidental symbolism is not entirely lost on me.
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I suspect with so much overt symbolism and synchronicities as I have had over the last period in my life that this upcoming year heralds a lot of very powerful and positive changes for me. I have received the most profound blessing that someone of my creed can receive, and I find myself positively bursting with energy and new found strength.
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I will be profoundly sad when Kirsten has to leave for Montreal later this month, but I am incredibly happy that I had the time with her that I did. I think that the changes she swept into my life will last a lifetime. There is little doubt in my mind that the goddess decided to work through her to help me change the things that I was not <
I seem to have had my feet put on a better path than I was on, and find that I have a lot more faith in the future than I have ever had before. This is the heart of Magick.<
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YYYAAAYY!!!
I’m glad to hear that you are doing well!!
(haven’t had ritual coffee chat in awhile *grr* -lol)
I think it’s strange, a lot of people have been going through these really wierd experiences lately.. Life changing stuff… Having their mindsets altered, usually against their will, and having to rebuild parts of themselves, and even their whole lives!! (*ahem* perhaps I’m learning a little of this myself right now..)
But I’ve recently come to a new understanding – I actually like being the outsider for once!!
I’m gaining a whole new perspective on things..
And still trying to figure out others at the same time.. confusing shit sometimes!!
My brain is melting, and I really need sleep!!
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Sorry if a lot of this isn’t quite comprehendable, I’m thinking in a lot of fragments right now…..
G’mornight!!! –That’s what I call it now!!